*

Starting over, like hitting the restart button or reformatting your HD, is always a welcome start (or restart?). Tabula rasa. Blank slate. The smell of a piece of fresh blank paper has always been enticing.

In lieu of tradition, I resolved to make some “new year’s resolutions.” I told myself I’ll start doing more new things and make room for some small personal changes.

I hope I can do all these and possibly spark a wonderful journey, if not put my life on a better track.

I will:

1. Be the writer. (Write better and more often, both fiction and non-fiction. Start finishing all those story drafts for publication or personal perusal. Also, update this damn blog regularly).

2. Be more positive. (In other words, kill the jadedness, cynicism and disillusionment about life, people and the world. Trust people more. Socialize.)

3. Get a more “normal” life. (Get a job, money, a social life, and maybe love along the way).

4. Have an “Outward Overhaul”. (Get slimmer. Be more pogi. Evolve like that frog prince.)

5. Get the gift of the gab. (Develop more confidence. Develop speaking skills.)

6. Have more fun! (Be less lethargic and lazy. Be laid-back in a more energetic, perky, childlike, exaggerated kind of way. Hakuna matata, don’t forget!)

7. Read that piece of paper. (For some reminders on personal philosophies.)

Let’s go explore!

Rage. Deep-seated anger. Wrath.

I know I am a peace-loving person. I know I am not capable of violence, spontaneous or premeditated. But more than a week after the news about the demonic carnage broke out, I can feel myself slowly boiling with murderous rage. I can feel my body burning with violence that may equate the kind that brutally snuffed out the lives of those 57 innocent people. I can feel my whole being wanting to unleash the same hell to the perpetrators of the said slaughter.

Of course, I can’t and won’t say that I feel what the family of the victims are feeling this very moment. I know I cannot fathom the depths of their grief and anger towards the ones who brought them this terrible loss and pain.

But as someone who can feel the intensity and proximity of the said slaughter, I am with the family members in our angry call for justice. Let the heads roll – Ampatuans’, all suspects’, whomever!

There were times that I wished I can mete out the justice myself. Give the bastards what they wrought. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Think of video games, zombie apocalypse. Shotgun to the head, chainsaw to the gut, bombs to the body. I want to rip them all apart.

Thankfully, I know I am not like those heartless beasts who will kill without batting an eyelash. So I just let my anger boil into another form – this time, a resolute and angry demand for justice.

Let justice be served – this time, include those who enabled this waiting massacre to happen. It doesn’t begin and end with the Ampatuans. The higher ups in the government must pay as well!

#

Now, I don’t know if I am not angry enough,  or my wrath is so deep even words cower in fear and refuse to come out of my mouth.  I suspect it is the latter.

What’s pushing me to the warpath?

This. The Maguindanao Massacre.

Abominable. Loathsome. Abhorrent. Revolting. Diabolic. Maleficent. Contempt in the strongest terms

I can throw the thesaurus to the raging fires of hell and the right angry word won’t still come out.

This heartless summary kidnapping, rape, mutilation and execution of civilians – women, kids, elderly – and media people is unparalleled. IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. Intentions be damned. A single murder is harrowing enough. But this? 46 people? I can’t imagine  – and I don’t want to – what demon seized the killers’ minds to commit this gruesome, unforgivable crime.

I believed that the days of inhuman brutal rule is over. And that politically-motivated crimes like this one won’t happen again. We live in a modern world now; genocide is so yesterday. But no! Lo and behold, this savage killings happened in our very backyard. Devil indeed lurks behind you while you’re unaware.

Damn, I just hope that the perpetrators will be caught and prosecuted soon enough. And this evil that is the GMA government, for coddling the main suspects, for promoting a culture of brutality and impunity, must pay for the blood debt that it owed the victims.

Rage.

Naunang nagtrabaho ang mga kaibigan ko dahil masyado kong minahal ang kolehiyo. Isandaang taon din bago ako naka-tapos (ibang storya yun). Natural, mas maaga silang umasenso. Marami sa kanila (kasama na rin ang mga ka-batch ko nung hayskul) ang mataas na ang posisyon at limpak-limpak na rin ang ibinubulsa bawat buwan. At kung gagawing batayan ng tagumpay ang sweldo gaya ng sabi ko, kumpara sa kanila, anak ng kalungkutan, isa akong malaking “singko” sa pagiging bagsak.

Pero ganon nga ba? Kung tutuusin, ang karerang napili ng marami sa aking mga kasabayan e nasa larangan ng komputer at IT – ang bagay na isinuka, iniwan at pilit iniwasan nung kolehiyo ko. Kung di ako nagkakamali, ako lang yata ang matapang (o tanga) na nangahas tahakin ang daan ng mga artista (yung tunay na artist, di yung showbiz). Ako lang yata ang nangahas na piliing magpaka-dalubhasa sa paghahabi ng letra upang makabuo ng mga sagad sa labong salita, kaysa mag-ayos mga numero para patakbuhin ang isang kompyuter.

Sa mga pagkakataong gaya ng pagtitipon na iyon, di ko talaga maisip ang sarili ko na nakakulong sa isang kwarto at nagpapaka-alipin sa mga papel at mga boss na mapapel. Di ko rin maisip ang sarili ko na nagmamando o minamanduhan ng isang bossing. Maliban siguro sa mga trabahong pangarap ko kagaya ng pagiging isang creative sa advertising agency o animation studio, di ko talaga lubos maisip na ipinuputa ang sarili o kumakain ng tao sa mundo ng mga gahamang korporasyon.

Ako ang taong di mapakali sa isang lugar. Madali akong magsawa sa rutina. Nabuburyong ako kapag isang bagay lang ang nakikita ko. Di ko kayang tumagal ng ilang buwan na walang “exciting” na bago ang nangyayari. Gusto ko ng palaging gumagalaw o naglalakbay.

Ang tipo kong trabaho, na tingin ko ay nababagay sa akin, ay yung mga malikhaing trabaho. Mga aktibidad na magpapatakbo sa gulong ng utak ko para gumawa ng mga malikhaing bagay. Mga gawaing gagamitin ang imahinasyon ko. Kagaya ng pagsusulat o pag-iisip ng mga bagay na masaya o exciting o kaaya-aya.

Basta hindi trabahong teknikal o opisina.

Bahagi rin ng personalidad ko ang, sabihin na nating “free-spirited”. Ayaw ko ng natatali sa isang lugar o tiyak na gawain o kahit isang tao. Di ko lubos maisip ang sarili ko na nagbibigay komitment sa isang kompanya hindi dahil sa ‘di ko kaya maging loyal, kundi dahil marami akong nais na gawin at subukan.

Sa madaling salita, di talaga ako “yayaman”, o kikita ng mga hanggang anim na numero kagaya ng mga nasa tuktok ng corporate ladder. Maliban na lang kung tuksuhin ng tadhana at itapon ako dito sa mundong ayaw ko, hangga’t maari talaga ay dun ako trabahong malikhain at gusto ko kahit di ganoon kalakihan ang sahod. Sakto lang, ika nga.

Kaya kahit minsan ay naiinggit ako sa mga taong malaki na ang kinikita gaya ng mga kaibigan ko, sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na naiiba ako sa kanila. Iba ang hilig ko, iba ang personalidad ko.

Usaping “stable” vs. “fleeting”. Siguro sinasabi ko lang ito dahil wala pa akong pamilyang pinapakain. Wala rin akong mabigat na responsibilidad na mangangailangan ng permanenteng kabuhayan. Pero hanggang di pa ako dumarating sa puntong kakainin ko ang mga salitang ito pati ang pride ko, asahang palukso-lukso ako ng trabaho dahil para sa akin ay mas masaya yun at exciting at doon ako nabibilang.

* I got shot down by an ad agency after a month of taking its copywriting exam and waiting for the results.

* In another agency, I was snubbed and thought I wasn’t qualified enough to even take a test.

* ^My portfolio wasn’t impressive enough, apparently.

* Other agencies are not even hiring.

* Three more companies declined my application.

* Then, a short story wasn’t included in an anthology.

I won’t give up. Give me more pain, but I will soon have the last laugh.

I effectively tendered my resignation last October 15. Before that, I consumed all my remaining vacation leaves so I was really holed up in our house for days, like a good fat piggy bum, doing nothing but waste electricity and food.

A week before that, I already had a job offer from this company. The offer was good, but I was buying my time because I felt that some better companies will open their doors to let me in.

Lo and behold, 3 advertising agencies suddenly had openings. Eventhough I was beseeching the heavens for that rare chance (ad agencies hire copywriters every thousand years), I was still surprised. So my plans were completely rattled even if there were NO plans yet as I was still  open for taking my chances on other companies.

Life really has a way of effin you in a lot of creative ways. It will dump on you a lot of shit in one big go. As you pull yourself out of the murk, life will sneak from behind you to screw you onetime-bigtime.

Ok, I exaggerate. I wasn’t really put in a deep craphole. The company’s offer was a good one and I really needed to do was to give them a call and voila, I’d be earning almost twice as I did from my previous work.

But decision-making is really a brain-drainer. Along the way, as I weighed on the pros and cons of the job, I realized that I was really half-hearted about it. Deep in my mind, I never really loved the place of work. Also, I was really wanting to have a work that will make my work mine. Working in a company like that would render my work separate and anonymous.

Then the news of the ad agencies broke (actually, I just called them on  a whim because wala lang, I was curious; as heavens would have it, they are pimping a fresh new junior copywriter position). So my uncertainty grew bigger. I sought the advice of friends who, as if speaking as one person, told me to get the job and not take the risk. But I applied nonetheless.

What was the saying again? A bird in hand is better than two in the bush. Makes sense, but the pasaway in me eventually won. I was telling myself, if I was  to make risk, then risk all the way. I have nothing to lose but a nice job offer. I know more chances will come (like these openings) and I will eventually snag a job.

Having my decisions pinned on that job offer would only paralyze me. Besides, taking it then resigning after a month (should I get the ad job) does not really seem proper to me. The company has been gracious enough to me so the least I could do is to accord them a proper stay.

Thankfully, my gamble paid off. One company already replied, asking to email my sample portfolio. Then another one called in a way that displayed heaven’s very sick humor. This morning, as I was texting my declination message to the company’s HR, this  ad agency called me on my cel and told me if I can go to their office this afternoon. I immediately said yes while hiding my glee and feverish excitement.

I immediately reported at their office (which is very very lovely; it looks like a resthouse, a place very cozy and conducive for creative thinking). I took a very grueling copywriting exam (narration to follow on a new blog post). I think I managed to answer it – or rather, display my ideas, how I think with regards to problems that need creative treatment. So I hope the creative department would buy the crazy ideas I wrote there.

There wasn’t enough time so the HR told me that she will invite me for another meeting, this time, for the interview (and another test with a time limit, she said. oh my gulay).

I really hope that I nailed the exam this time. This is my dream job and I want to get it as soon as I can. Heaven knows I badly need a break and if given, I’ll show them that I am cut for this kind of work and I fit nicely, if not perfectly.

Goodluck to me.

But somehow, I feel a tinge of guilt and alienation from the affected ones. I can’t be with them and be one of them. Somehow, my fortune has been others’ misery. I can only symphatize but I think that’s not enough .__.

I hope I can help to the best I can.

I still have mixed emotions regarding the typhoon aftermath :/

* Christine Reyes, a local celebrity, is in tears as she relates on national TV her ordeal – she’s trapped atop their roof in Marikina. She gives some touch of showbiz to the raging disaster, but a disaster nonetheless. Ondoy spares no one. :/

* GMA 7 is using stock videos from afternoon’s ordeal. No new videos. Maybe their reporters are also wading in floodwater.

* The rain has stopped. The howling winds have subsided. Emo heavens has stopped crying, now if he will just dry his flood of tears…

* TV footage of stranded people and trapped families are a pain to see >_<

* I am totally helpless when it comes to giving tangible help (donation, volunteer to help). I can only offer my hopes .__. This helplessness won’t happen again in the future. >_<

* Having said that, I am becoming more and more inclined to join cause-oriented/ civil society groups.

* Why did I suddenly want to try applying for a Jollibee mascot/ clown job? @__@

* MMDA and DPWH and DILG and DENR = WTF! Some people are not doing their jobs!

* I suddenly remember my experience wading in floodwater. I was in highschool then when a typhoon poured an ocean onto the streets of BBB (before its roads were “fixed”). I waded in chest-high flood, and I had alipunga and galis as mementos!

* I hope material goods like food, water and blanket can be sent via twitter, email or FB posts :/

* Scenes from the movie The Day After Tomorrow and vids from Hurricane Katrina are flashing before my eyes @_@

* I feel guilty because our area was not engulfed in water.

* I hope someone has an ARK that is in stand-by mode for disasters like this :/

* Flood = this is what we get for not taking care of the environment. And for electing those inept and corrupt officials to the government. This is where our taxes go!

The berserking sky is pacified right now. The rain has stopped and the flood is slowly subsiding (according to news reports). But people still need help. So here are helpful info in case someone might need it.

NDCC hotlines:

911-5061

911-1406

912-5688

Red Cross 143

MMDA 136

Coast Guard 5276136

For donations and help, people can go to the following areas:

1. Fort Bonifacio Gym

2. GHQ Gym in Camp Aguinaldo

3. Balai in Expo Center in Cubao

4. Your local Red Cross centers.

5. NDCC centers